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Well its March 24, 2005
I have contiuned with the going to bally's. It has not been as difficutl as I
thought it would be. I have had a couple of experinces which I could have done with out. Once being that and old lady named Betty was mean to me. The other a cold shower after a hard workout.
For the exception of my friend Jill I get the impression that everyone is waiting for me to fail. Dont get me wrong they give me the rave reviews when I tell them I am sore, but I think they are waiting for the day that they can say " I knew it was only temporary".
My mother asks me everyday. She is the one I seek the support from but seems to be the one that anticipates the " day I fall on my face "more than anyone. I get the feeling that she is just counting the days. She has good reason not to believe in me since I have had so many failed attempts, but what she doesnt understand that with the more she expects to fail that harder it makes me want to try.
I cannot afford to fail this time. I dont know if its the encouragment that I get from Jill or is it the fact that i know if I dont lose weight my life will not be where I want it to be.
I dont want to take 4 diffrent Meds, I want to be able to go to any regular store and buy clothes. I hate having to go the avenue or lane bryant and spend loads of money just because its plus size. I want a boy friend that will turn into a husband and hopefully have a family. I am running out of time. I am going to be 37.
The boyfriend part will be more difficult. I like this guy name cliff, but he thinks of me as only a fun buddy. I know the potentioal is there for more, but I am not going to lie to my self. I know he is not ready so I am getting my stuff together if he finally opens his eyes, then great but if doesnt I will keep putting my self first and continue with this journey.
More to come
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